A 5 Box Day
It’s time to feel into what we are connecting with and what we are disconnecting from.
Quite awhile back I had a bomb drop on my front doorstep. Well not literally a bomb but the visual of what arrived created an unexpected explosive sensation that could only be mimicked by the dropping of a bomb.
5 huge boxes. Delivered certified mail. Unbeknownst to me.
Filled with almost all my belongings.
My jaw on the floor, no words available. Only shock. The feeling of… WTF?!
Is this really what I’m seeing?! How was this decision made?! I consider a relationship a union that is formed by two people with a common interest or purpose. From what I could see, this decision was not made from a place of connectedness, rather from a place of pure reaction. In my experience, it felt very passive aggressive; I’m going to hurt you before you hurt me.
Some love relationships are meant to walk us through life, others to teach us lessons. This one was a big teaching!
As the shockingly slow-motion moment began to catch up to real time, I could sense the veil lifting… the message spiraled in like a crystal-clear brick straight down the crown of my head through the roots of my feet.
What was I connecting with and what was I disconnecting from?
Stumped in a grand pause with the stacked arrival in front of me it hit me like an aftershock from the bomb…
I was disconnecting from my lifelong conditioned and withered belief of unworthiness.
So beautiful! Unworthiness is shaped by experiences of blurred boundaries, unfulfilled needs, allowing external factors slide that would best be addressed and re-negotiated before moving forward, being betrayed by one’s close friend or partner, feeling lack of deep love from family of origin, taking to heart every hurtful word thrown your way, or not being able to express your true feelings even to your own self. Just to name a few.
You get the drift!! It’s cause and effect.
I was reconnecting to my innate worth.
My undeniable self-worth.
I was reconnecting to the ability to fulfill my own needs. Everything we ever need is always right here within; Self-love. In that instant AHA moment, not only did I realize it was really nice to have my stuff back, it was more amazing and freeing to have my self-worth back!
In the pain of the delivered explosion there was a strange release of pressure. There was a lightness in the opportunities unfolding for me that came out of disconnecting the conditioned belief that my worth comes from outside of me… another’s unconscious actions, pain, assumptions, projected and wounded energy. This was a cause for celebration! Through all my years of repeated patterns, healing past traumas, and a lot of inner objective observation, I could now clearly sense this piece was complete. A karmic contract expired. This allowance of unworthiness would never slip past my consciousness again. It was like the last stitch in the wound.
This is not to blame. This is the realization that our repetitive unhealthy beliefs are cast out as energy and eventually are mirrored back in the exchange of experiences with others. It is the shifting within that requires retraining to focus on more empowering thoughts and beliefs about ourselves ~ and believing it to the depths of our cells that it becomes an unconscious competence! Then taking action to release unhealthy attachments and discover new points of view… with a loving open heart.
Whew… yeah, ‘with a loving open heart’. That can be the part that trips us up. It’s easy to go into resentment, blame, anger, distraction, emotional by-passing, bitterness, whatever your poison. But we are our own reflections of the vibration of our being. We decide how we move in the world and we teach others how to treat us. Meaning, if we keep perpetuating the thought and belief that we are not enough, not deserving or worthy to receive authentic love, a new job, a nice car, etc. due to our conditioning then this is the energy we cast out. And eventually those around us will agree with us.
Therapy, self-awareness, conscious thinking and processing can dissipate and break us out of this chronic cycle. Sometimes it takes an earth shattering moment for us to get so flabbergasted that our authentic self comes screaming out – Are you done yet?! Have you had enough of squeezing yourself into another’s mold with the belief that if you do a little more of this or a little less of that it will all work out just fine… you will feel worthy?!
Enough is enough.
All I know is I dodged a bullet. Not because my heart wasn’t in it or it wasn’t what I truly desired to come to fruition. Quite the opposite… I gave it everything I had.
It was because no matter what I did on my end, no matter of kindness, unconditional love, understanding… it was not mine to do. It was mine to see the part of me that was breaking free from the nagging sense of unworthiness and the corresponding emotions. The part of me where I was no longer willing to allow myself to be defined by another’s human stuff.
I do not say this from judgment or lack of compassion. We all have our human stuff. Trust me, I’ve been processing mine since I was 16 years old. I say it merely from a place where it is tough to run a marathon with another who has only trained three miles. One is not better than the other. It’s a mere fact it would not be good for either party at that stage of the race. It would have resulted in resentment, pressure, guilt, and pain.
Chaos and fear can knock us off center. How we feel in a moment can influence our desired direction. It can strip us of our spirit and heart and shove our stomach right up in our throat!
But whenever we recover from loss and grief it opens space for the new to appear. Life finds a way, energy finds a way, consciousness finds a way.
Love finds a way.
My unworthiness stemmed from the childhood conditioned belief that I was unworthy of love. So if I didn’t open myself to love I would not get hurt. But the act of protecting our hearts from being hurt is a distortion of the ego-mind. It is always trying to protect us from something. The sad truth is, this belief typically prevents us from attracting or fully letting in the relationship we desire. So holding on to the belief of being unworthy of love is a false sense of protecting ourselves. When I inquire from a higher consciousness I can see it for what it is; just a belief. In the silent background is the awareness and direct experience with our own being that has never been touched by our conditioning. Our being is a direct source to love; unconditional love is our essence.
Standing in front of these five big boxes I was given an invitation to create… to use the intense waves of disconnecting energy. It was a paradox of the deep connection that was now available to me. To all of us. To create a reflection of the highest potentiality of who we really are. To know that underneath the conditioning lives our true, magnificent selves!
It’s these earth-shaking events that equal the beautiful influx of new connections to create what our souls crave. What our souls deserve. We are worthy of deep love and all life’s treasures.
Keep your eye out for YOUR delivery… your delivery of permission to return to your innate worth. Release a lifelong chronic cycle. It’s time… and if it hasn’t already arrived, it’s in transit.
Big Love 🖤
A suggested exercise:
What am I connecting with? And what am I disconnecting from?
Do so without thought… Whatever comes up for you, write it down.
✨Grappling with this intense exercise?
Email me, let’s get to the bottom of it.
YOU deserve connection to your innate worth and self-Love.
Despite the boxes stacked before you. ✨
What I’m about to share are a couple profound experiences (teachings!) I witnessed as a young adult. It is with sincere thanks to my family for always allowing me to be who I AM. And for the courage in each of you to always be with ‘what is’.
Alright, I’ve been wanting to get this in ink for quite awhile. I’m calling BS. Technically I’ve written about this topic in various ways over the years but this time, well, it may feel harsh, direct, or not as gentle as usual, but… it’s time.
The body… the emotional body. We cannot slide out of it. It’s part of all THIS experience. So often, probably more often than I’d like, I get a rush of emotions, energy, currents that take over all my senses.
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