Me & Tyler*
*names changed to keep loving energy around that soul✨
I remember driving around the Reservoir as we were cresting the top of a very steep road. Tyler driving, me as a passenger. I could hear our conversation yet no words were spoken.
See Tyler, my brother’s best friend, had carried deep guilt for what he thought was his fault in what transpired the hours before my brother’s death. He bore ink on his upper left arm displaying a large cross encompassing my brother’s full birth name ~ which very few people even know.
We were broken. We were desperate. We were confused. We were helpless. We felt alone but somewhat together… in this grief, this pain, this ‘how the f#ck did this happen’ state of being.
We both knew what we wanted to do. We spoke about it as we got closer to this climbing hill… with absolutely no words. I know this to be true… when you vibrate with someone on the emotional energy plane beyond the 3D, no words are needed… you speak through energy. Ours just happened to be heavy energy, but we knew. We both knew as we crested the top of that hill we could, shortly and quickly, be home free. It would just take a heavy foot on the gas, high speed, eyes closed tight, and we could be home free at the bottom of that hill where the road forked right or left leaving only a massive rock wall in-between. Our pain, our questions, our unknowing would be over.
It was an easy out.
But for some reason, Tyler slowed enough to turn right. He chickened out. But not because he was a chicken. He couldn’t spare the “thought” he would be responsible for taking my life too. It was something I realized he couldn’t bear… even beyond the grave. He needed to spare my life since he felt he couldn’t spare my brother’s.
My life was spared.
See Tyler isn’t here anymore. He found another way to transition out of here. Deliberate or not.
He never was the same after my brother’s death. He was riddled with blame, grief, and an unforgiving internal dialogue that plagued his soul. Every time I saw him I could see it in his eyes, I could feel it in his bones. And no amount of love or peace offered his way by myself or my family would shake him. It’s like he was punishing himself. And let me be clear; Tyler had nothing to do with the choice my brother made the night he died. Tyler was just a deeply loving friend who hated what happened. So needless to say, Tyler’s path since then, led him to a tough circumstance that ended his life. That is another story to share at another time. I only have deep love and care for Tyler and his family… for the pain they endured. My heart will forever be with them. I miss Tyler dearly. I miss DeNeal. But I find fun joy knowing they are now free, together.
Why am I sharing this heart wrenching moment? Because it’s another opportunity to offer wisdom. Out of all of this has only birthed blessings and wisdom. Not instantly but with focus, perseverance, openness, and a willingness to release the past.
When you get knocked to your knees by a crisis like death or illness, it opens a new trajectory for life that can create powerful transformations. If you are aware, insights are gleaned and epiphanys granted. Adversity helps define us. We discover who we are and what we’re made of. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn. What remains is truly who we really are.
My life was spared…. It has to stand for something.
I was ready. I was willing. I didn’t care if I spent another day on this planet. But for some reason, I was meant to remain embodied. DeNeal’s suffering was over… so I was only torturing myself. My brother’s death was an awful, tragic, unique situation that literally brought me to my darkness… I saw no light, no more need to be living. But I escaped the ‘end’. I’m still here.
Anyone who’s been to this dark edge ~ the dark night of the soul ~ understands what I’m saying. And if you’re still reading this, you’ve probably escaped too!
So I started digging my way out of grief. Not an easy task, it took years. But I had a choice. It was time to embrace every opportunity to enjoy this life. Lose myself or get on living.
I had a craving to constantly move forward to learn and discover what is just behind the veil… is there more. This desire will not seize, and yet I find the most precious of all is in the experience of this… and then this, and then this. Moment by moment.
So what is your edge? Now. What’s tripping you up?
You are here ~ you have purpose.
You take up space, it’s your birthright.
The mere fact that you are on the planet means you are worthy of love.
Love is the essential reality, it is the meaning of life.
Love is our purpose on earth.
So feel your edge.. be with it without judgement. Feel it… because what’s in the way is the way. Gotta go straight through it. Sucks, but it’s the truth. And speaking of truth, there is never anything wrong…. It is always just ‘this’.
But on the days I can barely breath I lean on my brother. I lean on Tyler. Because I am still here. And if all I can focus on in that moment, or for that day, is my breath, then that is a victory. It means I’ve taken pause to return to my breath… the present moment.
If you are reading this then you are ‘here’ and you have a purpose. Stop feeling small because you think staying home with your two young children doesn’t impact the world. It does! Many cannot do what you’re doing. Or that you go to your job that feels mundane and monotonous to you… you have purpose! We need the guy who spends hours on the road driving products to the grocery shelves, we need the baker who kneads the dough at 1am to provide fresh bread for our bellies the next morning.
We ALL matter!! Yes. Every. Single. One of us.
You are right where you’re supposed to be..Truly. Just look down, there’s your feet. Be here. Love it, appreciate it. And if you are ready to shift your ‘edge’, then start creating your future. You cannot do this though when you are reliving your past, complaining or holding a person, place, or circumstance as reason for your fear, anger, negativity, or unhappiness.
You always have a choice ~ pull up your big girl/boy panties and dig your heels within yourself. Do it with kindness and compassion. This is not a ‘beat myself up’ process. Nor is it necessary to start pushing against the situations or people around you. It’s a self-honoring and creative shift. I believe it takes a balance of it all, but it is possible!
How often does your mind start wandering off to your to-do list or what happened yesterday when you are speaking/listening to the other standing in front of you? We miss so much when we are replaying the past or strategizing for the future.
You have a greater purpose… even if it’s simply to be present. That is beautiful ~ that is enough! Life is full, live it! Be curious about what’s beyond the veil.
So I chose to embrace life … all of it. The icks and the amazing. I take it as it comes and practice releasing sooner so I can be here with YOU … in this present NOW.
My life was spared.
“Difficulties break some men but make others. No axe is sharp enough to cut the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying, one armed with the hope that he will rise even in the end.”
~Nelson Mandela – 1 February 1975. Letter to Winnie Mandela
Big Love 🖤
What I’m about to share are a couple profound experiences (teachings!) I witnessed as a young adult. It is with sincere thanks to my family for always allowing me to be who I AM. And for the courage in each of you to always be with ‘what is’.
Alright, I’ve been wanting to get this in ink for quite awhile. I’m calling BS. Technically I’ve written about this topic in various ways over the years but this time, well, it may feel harsh, direct, or not as gentle as usual, but… it’s time.
Teaching has always been my calling, my first love, the place where my soul is seated. I’ve taught dance, choreography, retail sales, product details, personal training, and Pilates along with endless life anecdotes. Now it’s time for me to teach and share the part of me that has always been connected to the energy field and the stars; Astrology and Numerology Classes!