I Call B.S.
Alright, I’ve been wanting to get this in ink for quite awhile. I’m calling BS. Technically I’ve written about this topic in various ways over the years but this time, well, it may feel harsh, direct, or not as gentle as usual, but… it’s time.
It may not be liked but it’s necessary. It may be a long one so get cozy. Apparently I have a lot to say! Haha…
Recently I’ve been witness to circumstances of shaming and blaming. Especially around relationships (all kinds). Whoa! I’m calling BS on this. Time for ownership. Enough!
I’m not saying this is an easy task or feels good. Actually, it feels awful!! Ascension is not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of deep digging into our own psyche, hidden intentions, actions, and demands.
It’s time to get to our T.R.U.T.H.~ The Raw Underbelly That Heals
There is nothing wrong or bad about any of us. We were just hurt.
It’s time now to grow up, to become our mature selves. Quit pointing at everyone and everything around us. Security is never without, only within. And if we neglect within, we go without.
Why are we defensive? Defensive behavior is purely derived from a part of ourselves we want to tip-toe around. It is a fear. An underlying fear. Fear is typically wrapped tightly around a storyline we’ve been telling ourselves, whether from our past or a projection of the future; fear of letting go, fear of intimacy, fear of being fully seen, fear of an emotion. It takes shape in many forms; guilt, anxiety, judgment, shame, blame …it is in search of security. But when fear ceases then the creation of illusions and myths also ceases. It is the shaking out of the shadow. It brings forth the innermost needs and desires. This is the void, the space of the present. Where nothing is required to be different than it ‘is’.
The energies are pushing pretty heavily now and there is no escape. Defend as we will, the hidden pieces will circle back again and again. Louder and louder. Are we done yet?
Let’s play with shame for a minute. Shame can be a subconscious standard we are not aware of. A standard of ourselves we project onto the world. Shame often boils up when we sense the possibility of being viewed as inadequate or lacking in some manner. When we feel shame we defend ourselves against that shame in some way. It can put us in a permanent defense mode.
One diversion of shame is blame. Expressing contempt to a person only transfers our own shame to them. This allows the focus to be on them rather than on our own insecurities and perceived flaws. This diversion makes someone wrong and us right. This can throw one into a state of narcissism. And be careful to never confuse self love with narcissism! I’ve been blown away by those who claim to be practicing self love and it’s actually a state of narcissism… The pendulum swung too far in one direction, I say.
When shame gets the best of us we become inundated with our own self interest and quest for approval and superiority . It hurls us into an extreme state of narcissism. The expression of these feelings are reflections of being shamed in our childhood. It is a childhood emotional wound. As a child I sucked my thumb and had a blankie. As much as my parents probably weren’t fans that I couldn’t separate myself from this dingy and unwashed piece of fabric, they never shamed me or coerced me into stopping. I was accepted just as is… with my blankie! I am grateful. And yes!… I still have my blankie!
Finding our wounded child is the nugget. But we cannot find the wounded child within ourselves when bypassing the depth of our emotions. It requires sinking into the truth of our original wound and being unconditionally present with it. This is where the opportunity of repair comes in. I did a lot of therapy, coaching, self-help, and EMDR work to unearth my childhood wounding. Finding what modality fits best is important, and repairing these wounds is a must if we desire to be in authentic connection with others and ourselves.
Great questions to ponder… What do we not approve of about ourselves? How is this thing I disapprove of, good? And do the same for others… How is this thing I disapprove of in the other, good? We need to find approval and feel good about the things we reject about ourselves. Once we achieve this, it gives extension of grace to others.
There is a yearning in all of us to connect; to be seen, to be felt, understood, to be heard, to belong. Without true deep healing we shut ourselves off and withdraw from the world. Opening ourselves up might include pain… This can keep us in fear of connection. When we practice valuing ourselves through hearing, seeing, and self empathy we then have the power to heal others through seeing, hearing, feeling, understanding, and valuing them.
The question remains, are we done skirting around these wounded and triggering emotions? Everyone wants to just hurdle over the actual emotions of our defensiveness, fears, and pain and land immediately on the other side. One tactic ~ push away or demand that everything around us change so we can feel better. Or another tactic ~ spiritual bypassing; just go have fun, elevate your mood, call on your guides and meditate. Yes… Some of these are helpful tools but NOT before we admit what is going on with us … what are we ‘feeling’!? This does not imply we ARE our feelings, it is merely an ability ‘to feel’.
Spirituality is not about always being positive and flying on ‘high vibes’. This is BS. Spirituality is coming up against ourselves… Finding the love within that includes feeling our pains and hurts and healing them. Spirituality looks like something more to being human… Being open, honest, and authentic with ourselves and others.
So often when we dance around our emotions and behave with defense and blame we are typically only hurting and blocking our own desires and needs; to be seen, felt, heard, connected, and loved.
Let’s look at this example:Someone you care about just received terrible news. They have been betrayed by someone they trusted. They are experiencing tough and sad emotions. If you are walled off with your own feelings and emotions it is very likely you will not be attuned to the cues this person is giving you that they are in a state of grief or despair. You may dismiss or ignore their state altogether.
So you may walk in saying something like, ‘Hey what’s going on? Why are you so gloomy? It’s actually a good day out. Why do you have that look on your face? I don’t like it when you look like that. You’re starting to upset me. Why are you always trying to drag me down?”
Your OWN behavior did not adjust to the cues that were given by the situation. What this creates is a result in others looking at your behavior like you are a f*cking @sshole. (sorry not sorry!)
Now this person in despair will most likely feel threatened and respond with self-protection. These aspects will come out of this person. They will not want to take your best interest at heart because it is obvious that you don’t take their best interest at heart. So now you could feel like your world is more unsafe, which justifies YOUR wounds and validates YOUR beliefs and throws you right back into YOUR pattern; not getting to your T.R.U.T.H. This is a dangerous and vicious cycle.
If we tap into and acknowledge our innermost fears then we are capable of being with others in their emotional experiences. This brings awareness to the social cues of their emotions and helps us respond in a way that creates a safe environment for them. When those we care about feel safe they are more willing to take care of our needs, truths, and best interests. This is how we create a symbiotic relationship.
The truth of the matter?… it’s not an easy process to come face-to-face with our fears/shadows/hurts… as we have perceived them as monsters. But get it out. Enough is enough. And by the way, there is no RIGHT way to process. If anyone else tells you differently, call BS on them. Yell, throw a temper tantrum, ugly cry, vent for an hour to a good friend, exploit your deepest fears in a safe container, go to therapy, take a course, write it all out… whatever is required. But DON’T bypass it!!
It is time to grow up. It’s time for ownership. Stop parading your storyline around in the requirements of others to ‘be different’.
We can keep telling the other how they need to do this or do that so we can feel comfortable. Or blatantly tell them they do not fit into our space. Well this is a right/wrong game. It implies we are right and they are wrong. Or throw out the spiritual empath game, ‘everything feels too intense for me.’ We know. Many of us are empaths too. It is OUR job to find tools to navigate life in the energy field, not hold it against another, or point out that ‘they’ are the problem why we feel icky. Really?! I’ve always heard the spiritual way is ‘within’ us. But, hey, I’m still learning too.
The good life is in the release and letting go of the PAST. Hold on if you’d like ~ your choice.
We are all getting older and then we die.
Sounds morbid, but true. Get on with it.
Try doing this! ~ Try standing in front of someone you have history with. Be with them as they are now. Not what your thoughts are telling you about them from a memory of yesterday or a year ago,… NOW. How would you interact with them… in this NOW. I like to call this beginner’s mind. It is a mindset. I’ve heard ‘people don’t change’. I call BS on this too. Everything changes. To what degree is more of the inquiry. I always give the benefit of the doubt here. I change daily with awareness of growth opportunities and I’m constantly learning. So I do my best to honor this in another. Being able to let go of a storyline or judgment that happened in the past so we can be present and experience who is with us now is a beautiful process. When we are stuck in the past we miss so many amazing experiences and opportunities that are right in front of us. Try it sometime. I mean don’t you always hope others will experience and accept who you are NOW, not a thought or memory they have of you in the past? Just a question to consider…
So the bottom line is get past your old self, get past the past! All I’m saying is everything I finally let go of had claw marks all over it. 🤷🏼♀️
What can we let go of? Are we still standing in defense, angry at the past? Resentful of what this person/family member/circumstance/situation did to you.?? Are we imposing our storyline onto others still? This is our demon. Hey, no judgment, we all have our demons. But it is time to unchain it. Let the demon loose. See it. Feel it. Get it out. Let it rip. Let go. Move on.
Get to your T.R.U.T.H.
Get to divine love. Moving beyond self-interest is the sweet spot. It is divine love. When we show up this way we know it! It’s our innate state, without thought or judgment. It is absent ego… letting love be there instead of opinions, judgment, or a wound. Here we hold each other sinless. This is the choice… now, now, now.
This is where love is. This is where we meet each other at the top of the bridge. This is where nothing is required externally, or of another, in order to feel better, comfortable.
Love is not asking the other to change. It is not right or wrong. Good or bad.
Now let’s be clear… This is different from expressing our “needs”. We all have needs. Relationships do require not only understanding our own needs but also understanding the needs of another. (Reread example written above.) Approaching relationships from the angle of OUR needs, or how WE like to be loved is not enough. It will not work unless the other shares the exact need of yourself. It is with the utmost importance we understand the other’s needs.
Learning our partner’s needs and then taking action, with equal honor and importance as our needs, is the key to a relationship. And it is only through communication that this is understood and accomplished. This topic could be a whole entire writing in itself. All for now though.
*When we have the gratitude we have the love, when we have the love we have the gratitude.*
I want to express immense gratitude for the vindication and validation I have received recently. The unconditional love, support, and understanding that has come my way is beyond beautiful. It has nudged me along in my recent experiences of those still finger pointing and behaving from defense. By no means am I saying I’m complete in healing my own distortions. That is a never! Unconditional love is always a ‘working towards’. But I will admit it is now super clear when I am experiencing the behavior of another’s pain through their conditioned thoughts and patterns. I have accepted that the risk of upsetting and possibly losing them by saying ‘No thank you, that part is yours to heal’, definitely outweighs the self-torture of me taking it personally and sulking away to beat myself up over it for days.
I always took the blame… tossing and turning everything over ~ why did I say that, maybe I could have said it better, maybe if I did this or that I would have not created the situation.
I’m calling BS on all that… that was my shame talking. Another’s healing is not mine to do.
My high self says no more, that shameful karmic contract is over.
I don’t deserve that.
YOU don’t deserve that.
Unconditional love doesn’t look like that.
My teaching in all this?… I am worthy and loveable just as I AM.
You just like me, me just like you… YOU are worthy and loveable just as YOU ARE.
I can meet you at the top of the bridge with the deep knowing of who I am … it is enough.
Where are you?
Big Love 🖤
What I’m about to share are a couple profound experiences (teachings!) I witnessed as a young adult. It is with sincere thanks to my family for always allowing me to be who I AM. And for the courage in each of you to always be with ‘what is’.
Teaching has always been my calling, my first love, the place where my soul is seated. I’ve taught dance, choreography, retail sales, product details, personal training, and Pilates along with endless life anecdotes. Now it’s time for me to teach and share the part of me that has always been connected to the energy field and the stars; Astrology and Numerology Classes!
We were lucky to catch up with Colleen Naus recently and have shared our conversation below.
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